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THE BIRDS AREN'T REAL AND CAN'T HURT YOU

A Novelist Disgusted That Movies Aren't Real, And More Of This Week's 'One Main Character'

Molly Bradley
Molly Bradley
A Novelist Disgusted That Movies Aren't Real, And More Of This Week's 'One Main Character'
This week we've also got a person fearful of fatherly love and a heartless sports commentator.
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Every day somebody says or does something that earns them the scorn of the internet. Here at Digg, as part of our mission to curate what the internet is talking about right now, we rounded up the main characters on Twitter from this past week and held them accountable for their actions.



This week’s characters include a person fearful of fatherly love, a heartless sports commentator and an author disgusted that movies aren’t real.



Friday

@JaireLockdown

The character: @JaireLockdown, Twitter user, fearful of fatherly love

The plot: Last week, American football star Tom Brady posted some photos of him cuddling and kissing his 13-year-old son. Sweet, right? Well — no, actually, according to this weird guy:







For some reason, Twitter user JaireLockdown is deeply disturbed by the sight of a man being affectionate towards his son. Sad IMO. Nobody’s too old for a hug from their parents.


The repercussion: People on Twitter tried (in vain, ultimately) to make JaireLockdown see there’s nothing untoward about a parent expressing love for their young child.



Sigh.


Darcy Jimenez




Monday

Skip Bayless

The character: Skip Bayless, sports commentator on TV, professional troll

The plot: Skip Bayless, to a lot of people who follow the sports media industry or television, has been the main character for decades on end. He has a storied tradition, a career, built upon saying the most incendiary, incorrect, wild hot takes imaginable. Does he believe anything he says? Probably not. But he knows how to push buttons and does it so well, he is just a human troll at this point. You can go onto YouTube and watch him debate himself, there’s so much contradictory stuff he’s said over the years.



And in response to the horrifying injury sustained to Damar Hamlin that happened on Monday Night Football, Skip just said some dumbass stuff and everyone got mad at him online, and then he backed it up with more awful, garbage takes. The man has no shame, and will do or say anything for attention.



The repercussion: He’s crossed the line before, but this seems especially egregious considering the life and death nature of the story.


           

Jared Russo




Thursday

Joyce Carol Oates

The character: Joyce Carol Oates, author, person disgusted that movies aren’t real

The plot: Joyce Carol Oates is once again a main character on Twitter. The reason she’s trending this time is no more or less exhausting than the last, but it’s especially absurd: in response to a screenshot from the 1955 Hitchcock film “To Catch A Thief,” showing a scene in which Cary Grant and Grace Kelly’s characters are in a car, Oates derided the “ridiculous ‘backgrounds’ in scenes involving cars”:



You don’t have to like Hitchcock, at all, but criticizing him for doing a very common thing that pretty much all older movies did — having actors be in a non-moving car with a fake background so that they don’t actually have to risk driving for the film, especially driving with the distraction of acting out a scene — is what’s really absurd here. Also, sorry the fake-background technology wasn’t amazing in Hitchcock’s day?? If the limits of technology implemented for the sake of actors’ safety constitute manipulation, then carry on, Hollywood, master of puppets.


The repercussion: This was all too easy for people to make fun of, and they were right to do it.



Molly Bradley


———

Read the previous edition of our One Main Character column, which included a guy mad that no women are cooking for him, a very angry Mets fan and a nepo baby who thinks that non-nepo babies should just try harder.

Did we miss a main character from this week? Please send tips to [email protected].

Comments

  1. Ghazi R. Haddad 1 year ago

    I loved that movie with Grace Kelly acting like a princess. I think it was her last movie before she got married and then stopped acting. She has always been like a princess. RIP Grace Kelly.

  2. John Doe 1 year ago

    Wait? Your name isn't Mulvaney? So you just made up the whole "We Were the Mulvaneys"?

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